How Far Outside The Box Should I Be Thinking?

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. After 6 months of exhaustive job seeking, you realize that something about your approach, style, or whatever needs to change because…whatever you’re doing? Yeah, it isn’t working.

The problem in this realization is that there’s nothing specific that leaps at you, flamboyantly screaming, “change me!” The other problem is that this is maybe the 10th time you’ve had this realization.

See, it doesn’t take long before you realize you’re not getting any leads, responses, interviews, etc. Around your 2nd month in, you’ll start to be a little more creative, do a little more research, but – let’s face it – you’re still pretty cocky at this point. I mean, Rome wasn’t built in a day, amirite?

The 3rd and 4th months, respectively, are a little more humbling. By now your level of research is intensive, you’ve changed your resume, tweaked your cover letter, read countless articles on what you should or shouldn’t be doing, but you still have hope. There’s that special job out there that’s meant for just me, right?

Approaching the 6th month mark of the unemployment beast you’re in such a state of heightened paranoia that you’re almost hesitant to submit your resume anywhere. You start having “strategy” sessions with close friends or family to see if there are opportunities somewhere that you might have overlooked and all the while Jack Bauer’s fucking clock is counting down in the background – DUNDUN! DUNDUN!

You’ve run out of the creative and eloquent responses to employer questions and, in your head, are sounding a lot more flippant and sarcastic. It’s a lot harder to refrain from the brute honesty of telling a company you really want to work for them because time is running out and I swear I won’t fuck this up if you just give me a chance.

Some job profiles require you to list skills that you have, how many years experience in each skills, and whether you consider yourself at a beginner, intermediate, advanced, or expert level in said skill. They never have drop down options for these – they’re just supposed to all come from you. I know they want these to be job related, but it’s just so damned tempting to include skills like “Tea Making: Level Expert” or “80s Sitcom Theme Songs: Level Advanced”. I feel like these are a more accurate portrayal of who I am.

Of course, I try to tailor these to the job description, but sometimes you’re at a loss. Just today I applied for a data entry position that required “good hand/eye coordination”….how does one test for this? Should I tell them I can pat my head and rub my tummy at the same time? Does that count? If so, what level would this be considered – beginner, intermediate, or advanced?

Ah it’s all fun and games until someone gets evicted – which is a very real possibility come July that is too frightening for me to dwell on. But everything has a way of working itself out, everything happens for a reason, it ain’t over til the fat lady sings, yada yada yada…. I’m sure that the 21 job searches I have saved across 7 different job boards (including my state’s Department of Workforce Services) will turn up something for me soon, right? ….RIGHT?!

I just think that if you change who you are too many times that eventually you’ll lose sight of who you were meant to be.

We Have Some Lovely Parting Gifts For You

Posted in Job Hunting by

Eventually there will a come a point in your job search where you begin to wonder if you’ll ever see a light at the end of the tunnel. The tedium of hours of work filling out various job seeker profiles on countless websites, then their job applications, then adding a tailored resume and cover letter does take its toll. The anxiety increases, your sleep and wake hours are all out of whack, suddenly you’re able to relate to the depression medication commercials on TV (“Depression hurts“)… everything just plain sucks. This is when you need the equivalent of a good swift kick in the ass to jolt you back into reality (If you’re wanting a literal swift kick in the ass, this blog can’t help you).

Since my last blog post (sorry for the long lapse, faithful readers), I was going through the psychological “Ick” (I believe that’s the technical term) that I described above. As I’m now writing a blog post, you’re safe and correct in assuming that I received a figurative swift kick in the ass.

It started with a flight back home to surprise my mother for Mother’s Day by showing up on her doorstep unannounced (stay with me on this). It was a whirlwind trip with my arrival Saturday afternoon, May 10th, and a departing flight late Monday evening, May 12th, but it was well worth it for the look on my mother’s face and the tears of joy that followed. But I digress… over the course of my visit, my mom wanted to know what my “game plan” was for getting my shit together. Only my mom (or Dad) could issue a figurative swift kick in the ass with the two words “game plan”.

Ok, so let me explain this one. I was blessed to have 2 very unique parents in that my mom has a stronger connection with her inner 5-year old than anyone I know and my dad has severe A.D.D. which means that both of my parents like to make things FUN! If I’m having a day where I just can’t convince myself to get my lazy ass out of bed, my mom’s advice is “sometimes we have to be 6” which is just funny enough to get me laughing, nodding in agreement, and begrudgingly get my ass out of bed. Once, I was working a job from home answering Live Chat questions and was struggling with multitasking. Here my dad came to the rescue and advised that I accept the challenge as a game. At the time, my game obsession was with Rock Band – so I made a playlist on my iPod of all the songs I would typically play whenever I played the game. Sure enough, my productivity doubled and I was soon the star of the team (personal thanks to Iron Maiden for “Run to the Hills” which was particularly helpful with the afternoon slump).

So when my mom was asking what my “game plan” was – she wasn’t necessarily asking me what steps I was going to take to ensure my future was secure so much as she was asking how I was going to turn this task around and make it FUN! 

I haven’t worked out all the details yet (more to come) but I’ve begun with the dreaded task of looking at what I like to call the “Thanks, but No Thanks” emails from places I’ve applied/interviewed. These are the emails where they let you know they had so many applicants, you’re pretty good, but just not good enough, etc. Each view of my inbox is now a new game show. Cue dramatic theme music as the inbox loads, perhaps the Jeopardy theme song plays while I decide which email to open, while that email loads I’ll chant “big money, big money, no whammies, no whammies!”, and then the entire audience groans in sympathy with me when we find out that the email says “Thanks, but No Thanks”. At the end of the show (i.e. when all of those emails have been opened) the “fun” game show theme music is back, the host is thanking me and the audience is clapping wildly just as the host says, “We have some lovely parting gifts for you” and I play a Facebook game until my 5 lives are gone – as a reward for bravely facing the emails. Once the 5 lives are gone, it’s time to be 6 and go back to the job search drawing board.

Have any of you come up with creative ways to make the job search more fun? Share below!

Tedium and Bureaucracy

Posted in Job Hunting by

The last job I had was slowly sucking my will to live. My mom, who is in a very different profession, was in a similar situation. Surely you’ve been there before: getting through a tough phone call, case, project, etc. and looking up to see that your reward is only 5 minutes have passed on the clock; you doodle on notepads to keep yourself from beating your head on your desk and distracting other coworkers; and most of your shift is wondering how you ever came to this place so far away from your dreams.

So we created a game of drawing bunnies.

On our worst days it was more frequent, but the idea was that every hour that passed, you got to add another part to your bunny (think hangman only cuter, fluffier, and more creative). Hour 1: draw head, hour 2: draw right ear, hour 3: draw left ear – you get the idea. As I mentioned, some days were worse than others and so the bunny limbs were added more frequently as a way to distract our minds from planning the escape from our cubicles. At the end of the day we would discuss our bunnies:

“Hi, how are you?”

“Today my bunny was a pirate with a hat and a peg leg and a sword!”

“Awesome! My bunny was on a beach far far away, sitting under an umbrella and drinking a lot of cocktails with little umbrellas in the glass”

It’s that moment when you realize you really just don’t give a shit about your job, the people involved, any part of it. Inevitably, in my case anyway, you end up losing said job and now you must begin the process of finding another job – and FAST!

Wouldn’t it be easier if job postings let you know up front if this particular job was going to be monotonous? or if that job posting was going to have you scrambling to make any kind of doctor or dentist visits just for an excuse to get away from the office? Why can’t the job postings just be real about the kind of job you’re applying for? I, for one, would appreciate the honesty because then I’d know right up front what I was getting myself into. Think about it!

This position requires sucking up to a lot of people richer than you are, fetching their coffees or their dry cleaning, but pays more than anything else you’ll find out there.

This position will make you want to gouge your eyes out with a spoon, but it does pay slightly better than fast food and we have casual Fridays.

Wouldn’t it be great?! You could share them more easily among unemployed friends and family, “Here, Betty, I saw this ad and thought it suited you perfectly! You’ll be able to read a book while pretending to care about your job and it says you’ll make enough to afford living slightly better than in a refrigerator box on the corner!” I can see the commercial now with said individual thanking her thoughtful friend and flashing the camera a bright smile.

I think if we all knew what we were getting into, what we were getting out of, and what we could get away with, when it comes to job hunting that the world would be a much better place and we wouldn’t all be so frantic about climbing the corporate treadmill. You do know that doesn’t actually get you anywhere, right?

A Couple Hours Ago

Posted in Job Hunting by

A couple hours ago I was hugging and kissing my family goodbye after spending a wonderful Easter Sunday afternoon together. I was dropping my car off at the mechanic, putting my keys in the shop’s designated drop box, and getting into my Godfather’s car as he would be taking me home.

A couple hours ago we sat in the parking lot of my apartment complex, talking in that venting style that we do where we get angry on the other’s behalf and always try to end the exasperated sigh with a laugh.

A couple hours ago…that was when we heard the first shot fired.

It was so intensely loud that we thought a car or something had blown up. The sound rippled toward us, gripped our faces and forced us to turn toward the source. We saw him holding a shotgun. We saw him fire two more shots. That’s when I ducked and hugged the automatic car’s gear shift as though it were the Holy Grail because I was too scared to pray to Jesus just then. What if the gunman heard me?

I don’t know what my Godfather was doing because I was so focused on bracing myself for whatever was going to happen next. What if the gunman came after us? My Godfather and I went from family members to eye witnesses the moment he fired the first shot. I’ve never been so scared.

My life did not flash before my eyes. There wasn’t time. When the gunman got back into his car and was out of sight, my courageous Godfather sped out of that parking lot (in the opposite direction) like a bat out of hell. He whispered to me gently to put my seatbelt on. I had already forgotten that I had just been about to get out of the car when the gunshots came.

*********

I’ve lived in this apartment complex for two years. It’s only been since the beginning of 2014, when the rent increased to over $700 a month, that bad neighbors moved in. It’s only been recently that we’ve been hearing gunshots almost every weekend and sometimes one night during the week. I thought paying a higher rent meant that the “quality” of your neighbors improved. If that’s the case, what amount do I need to pay in order to feel safe enough to come home?

I can’t deal with this anymore. I can’t cope with being woken up some nights at 2-3am because of gunshots. I can’t cope with the fact that this neighborhood was just fine and, under new management, some of the newer residents have brought drug, gang, and gun problems with them. I don’t live in an “inner city” or some place like Compton. I have to get out of this complex.

There’s just one small problem…. I’m unemployed. With no income I don’t know how much rent I can afford to pay – whether living on my own or even with a roommate.

A friend suggested that I get out of my lease because it’s no longer a safe environment. Great idea, but see previous paragraph.

I cashed in a 401k so I could pay May and June rent until my lease is up mid-July. The thought occurred to me that I could use this money for rent elsewhere if I were able to get out of my current lease. However, then I’ve just signed a new lease at a certain price that I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to meet come July/August.

I need a job. I need money. I need to get out of this place. I need to feel safe. I need to be able to invite people over to my home without concern for their safety. I need peace of mind. I need less stress. I need this problem resolved. I need to put the minds of my family and friends at ease. I need to put my own mind at ease. I need sleep.

I need a miracle.

Sound Advice I Should Be Giving Myself

Posted in aHA Moments by

Just yesterday I found myself giving some advice to a dear friend of mine when, approximately halfway through my two cents, I realized my advice was actually quite profound…and, quite honestly, advice that I needed to hear for myself.

Here’s the situation: my friend is a barista and has been at the same location for 5 years. Everyone there is like a big family and it’s seriously the most fun environment. However, after 5 years she was quite comfortable which occasionally led to boredom. She took a chance and transferred to another location that would work for her. She’s now completely miserable and desperately misses her old friends and “regulars”; wanting to be back with her “family” again.

Here’s where I came in:

I told her about the time I worked for eBay and how much of a second home and second family it was for me. When I had to leave for medical reasons, I was completely devastated and convinced that I would never work at another place that felt so much like my “happy place”.

Then I told her how 3 years later I was working for Kwal Paint and how much FUN I had working there. Our little department of 3 became a little family. We’d tease each other, support each other, swear at each other, and I’ve never spent so much time laughing at work. Like that time the three of us got hopped up on Starbucks, blared Lady Gaga through the computer speakers, and held office chair races! Unfortunately, due to the potential sale of Kwal, I had to take initiative to find another job. Again, I found myself upset to leave and convinced that I would never work at another place that felt so much like my “happy place”.

The next job was a call center environment with a little personality, but still fit the call center cookie cutter outlined by the movie Office Space. However, there was one rebel row that had a BALL. Our Row 10 was so much awesome that we would even have our own mini potluck lunches. We got to know each other, bonded, and helped each other out. Unfortunately the job itself was not a good fit for me and I ended up leaving there too. I’ve been convinced that I will never work at another place that felt so much like my “happy place”.

This is precisely when I had my aHa moment and the next few words gave me goosebumps.

“Sometimes it’s hard to imagine that you’re ever going to work with another close-knit, group of friends that feel like family because you don’t recognize that you’re the special, unique snowflake that makes that environment happen. Sometimes it’s all within you. So no matter where you go, you have the opportunity to create that fun, close, family-like environment because that’s who you are.”

Wow. Ain’t that some shit, coming from me.

This actually kind of kills me because…I can’t count how many times people have said how fun(ny) I am, how much they love my laugh, how much they love my stories, that I should go into acting, etc. and I just smile, say thank you, and appreciate that they think I’m funny too. This aHa moment made all of those positive comments sink in and suddenly a connection was made in my brain and I thought to myself, Oh my God, I’M A SPECIAL, UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE!

I’m actually filled with a renew sense of vigor in my approach to the tedium of job hunting! I wonder what type of office I’ll be in next. All I know is – wherever I end up – those people have NO idea how much fun they’re going to have!

My Gift, My Curse

Posted in Job Hunting by

Here’s the thing about me – I am good at approximately eleventy-billion random things. This makes me highly valuable to every individual I come across and is my blessing as well as my curse.

Need some exercises to stretch your lower back? No problem! Last-minute hair dye dilemma? I got you, sister! Transcribing work notes so you don’t fall behind? Hey, I type 90 words per minute. Eleventh-hour PowerPoint to narrow down the topic for your dissertation? Google is my Bitch. Creating a GoFundMe page to raise awareness and money for your cancer treatments? I’m all over it. Directions to the nearest Starbucks? Hell, Starbucks should have been my middle name! Identifying symptoms of hypoglycemia? Yep, I’m there too.

These are just the things I’ve helped with in the last 24 hours!

By now you’re probably asking yourself where the “curse” comes into play. Well, here’s my problem: job hunting.

At 36-years old I have quite the employment background. I’ve been a file clerk, payment processor, data entry clerk, specimen processing technician, fast food worker, Trust distributions officer, medical receptionist, purchasing assistant, and customer service representative (just to name a few). I’ve worked in call centers for eBay, CapitalOne, Verizon Wireless, AOL, and Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield… oh, and I’ve assisted customers/members via e-mail, phone, and live chat. To say I’ve been around the block is a gross understatement.

In case you don’t quite see the problem yet, or you’ve been out of the job hunting scene for a while, let me break it down for you by showing you some questions I’ve been asked on public profile sites such as LinkedIn:

  • “Desired industry”
  • “Desired job title”
  • “What kind of job are you looking for”

See the problem now? There is no way (that I’ve been able to think of) to take this “Jill-of-all-trades” knowledge and experience and crunch it down into one neat little industry/title/job package.

Society doesn’t make it easy for people who can do a little bit of everything and have the kind of employment history that I do. We’re assigned labels such as “lazy”, “poor work ethic”, and/or “A.D.D.”.

****WARNING:  Mini-Rant****

Do you have any idea how many people, in just the last 3 months, have tried to convince me to get on disability for my Fibromyalgia? But, see, to me that feels like I’m throwing in the towel, that I’m saying that at age 36 I can no longer contribute to society. That’s just not who I am or what I’m about. I refuse to roll over and play dead. I know there’s a job out there for me somewhere and I’m going to be awesome at it. So do not call me “lazy”. If I were lazy I would have given up years ago.

/rant

     This is why I am the Queen of Call Centers. Because sometimes it’s just “easier” to stick with what you know and what you’re good at than try to swim upstream and convince job interviewers that it’s ok I don’t have the majority of my experience in one area, I’m Wonder Woman and I’ll catch on faster than any other employee. No, really. Just give me a chance.

The reality of the situation is that I’ve been unemployed for three months because I’ve been swimming upstream. I don’t want to go back to another call center. I want to do something more meaningful and engaging than call center metrics allow. I’m just trying to find the company that will give me a chance.

I’d have to say that my dream job is one that would let me chain-smoke, drink coffee, surf the Internet, and use my versatile knowledge to help random people all day. Until then, I’ll accept something that pays.

❤ Steph